Benis Reports: The Great Queso Debate

Installment Three: Taqueria La Tapatia

Located a mere half-block from my apartment, Tapatia boasts the most convenient queso to be had. It's open late, making it a frequent target for my drunk dials. It's no Aztecas; There's not much remarkable about this place, other than the fact that ordering is always apt to be confusing. It's the only place we've been where ordering a vegetarian burrito warrants the specification of "without meat". Also, we've witnessed fresh chips being transported through the restaurant via trash can. We hope the trash can is chip-exclusive. On to the queso!

Upon first observation the queso is extraordinarily orange. This will probably guarantee it tasting more cheesy.

Viscosity: Medium-Thick

Not too thick and not too thin. Not too much to say about that.

Chunk-to-Cheese Ratio: Very Minimal

I thought I saw a jalapeno, but it was just the spoon.

Drip Ratio: Relatively Low

Minimal drippage, but not without its perils.

Vagina Power: Alexyss K. Tylor

Alexyss K. Tylor has a lot to say- most of it NSFW. We don't know a lot about her other than the fact that most of her videos begin and end mid-rant. We'd like to know more, but are unwilling to purchase her CD book (Vagina Power My Life)- Wikipedia, please help!

Most of what this (apparently) renowned vlogger has to say is terrifying in its graphic nature and frequent use of the words pussy (ew!) and ass hole (two words- see fig. 1).

We at Benis hope Alexyss can gain further exposure as her in-your-face attitude and language rival top rappers in subversiveness.

Her bizarre message of "Vagina Power" beats the hell out of "Girl Power" any day. VP!!!

Benis Reports: The Great Queso Debate

Installment Two: Aztecas


It was the best of times that became the worst of times. We were under the impression that Aztecas was a normal restaurant. Our mistake cost us dearly. We knew something was off when we were charged $5 for mandatory valet parking only to be told we had to park our own car. Apparently there had been some sort of incident. The exchange was all very confusing and involved much turning off and on of the car, and much window-rolling up and down. We just wanted some queso, but upon entering we were informed that it was happy hour. Pitchers of margaritas were only $15; What a bargain! Did we mention it was karaoke night? All of this being said, the queso was awesome.

Viscosity: Thick
Really, really thick. After ten minutes it was like Jif peanut butter. Perfect for sufficiently coating your chip on the first try.

Chunk-to-Cheese Ratio: All cheese, no chunk!
Only cheese here, my friends. On the menu there was an option to add pico de gallo. We politely declined and were overjoyed with what we got- a bowl o' cheese.

Drip Ratio: Very minimal
As I exclaimed in the notes I began taking after three or so margaritas, "This shit snaps back!" Even with our drunken voracity, no drips occurred.

We returned to Benis HQ that night a little worse for wear, only we didn't know it yet. We don't know why it happened, but we ended up with three videos of ourselves couch-dancing. Despite our embarrassment, we want to offer our lesson learned as a public service announcement. There are many morals to this story- the most important of which is: Aztecas is a rowdy bar first and a restaurant as a distant second. No matter how full you feel after drinking a pitcher of margaritas, food is still needed.

Apologies All Around (Alliteration-Assonance, for that matter!)

Due to various crises and vacays, we here at Benis have found ourselves way behind our (imaginary) posting schedule. However, we've not forgotten you. To prove it, I present you with something adorable that happens to require minimal effort. My (Katie's) five-year-old second cousin, Max, is in a hip-hop tap class. He recently performed a recital and I am delivering the goods. Max is the very tiny one- second from the right. Keep your eyes peeled because he has an amazing mini-solo towards the end.

Now that we have temporarily sated your hunger for the written word (as well as the adorable YouTube video), I can tell you we've got incredible things in the works. We'll be back next week with incriminating video and witty

reparte.

Katie Learns How to Jerk

You've probably heard of the new trend in rap music; It's called jerking and I was enamored at first sight. It's a complicated dance that's usually accompanied by a song that announces that jerking is taking place. After hearing "You're a Jerk" by New Boyz, I decided to give myself a week to learn to jerk and to document my progress, day by day.

To give you some context, here's the music video for Audio Push's song "Teach Me How to Jerk". I was reluctant to post it because it will only serve to highlight my glaring incompetence, but I'd be doing you a cultural disservice by depriving you of proper jerking.

Thankfully for me, there is no shortage of how-to videos on YouTube.

Jerking is comprised of three parts; The Jerk, the Reject, and the Dip.

Jerking itself is the bit where you bend at the knee and waggle your legs

apart and together again. Rejecting is like a backwards Running-Man.

I never got the hang of Dipping, so I pretty much just skipped it.

When I started this project, I really didn't imagine myself incapable.

However, as it turns out, my heritage will not be disguised. With my

pasty visage and red hair, I possess the uncanny ability to make absolutely

anything look like Irish step-dancing. The result of my efforts is certainly

far from the worst Jerking video on the internet, but it's not good either.

Without further ado, I present my opus:

Sabrina the Teenage Witch: A Sartorial Review

Sabrina the Teenage Witch remains a perfect time capsule to the nineties. Most, if not all, correlations stem from the clothing and accessories of the characters. Here we will examine and critique the ensembles from just one episode of what we hope will be many to come.

Here we see Sabrina suffering from some most likely magical sunburn. She is clearly using the lei and the huge hat to detract from her lobster-like visage; And to be more modest in her come-hither bikini. The wig tells us she is perhaps incognito for some witchy reason. It could possibly be attached to the hat.

Salem the cat is a vision in powder blue and grey. His outfit takes us back to the eighties- a bold statement amongst his nineties counterparts. The look is that of a Wall Street broker with a nasty cocaine habit. Where did he get all that money? No doubt some witchy business is afoot.

WTF. Something witchy this way comes.

Harvey, usually quite dreamy, seems upset and disgusted in a nineties sort of way. That, or he's struggling to comprehend the solar system. Absent here is his usually ever-present cartilage earring, which is a shame. Maybe he just figured out it was on the gay side. His look, symbolizing typical teen angst, finds its origin in eighties high school dramas, but remains relevant in this nineties context.

Poor ol' Valerie seems to have collapsed, assuredly in front of a cute boy. Her burgundy high-waisted slacks match perfectly with her burgundy 3/4 sleeved top. Cap this off with her burgundy lipstick and you are on the nineties fashion train. For a nerd, Valerie appears here as the epitome of a well-put-together nineties fashionista.

Ha ha, eat cake, bitch!

Sex Myths As Made Up And Believed By Children

As ladies who were once elementary school girls, we at Benis know the power that Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret, Cosmo and generic romance novels can wield. We have decided to compile sex myths which we believed to be the gospel truth between the ages of eight and eleven.

The Penis-Size Formula:

Shoe size, divided by two, plus one equals inches o' penis. This was complicated math that had to be performed multiple times daily. An alternate method is measuring the distance between the thumb and the tip of the forefinger when the two are held in a right angle.

Small Hands Make For Big Boobs:

We don't know. This is what we heard from boys. However, we will say that this myth holds mysteriously true amongst our population of two.

Simple Exercises to "Increase Your Bust":

Yes, we thought for all the world that violently jerking our elbows back and forth would cause our breasts to grow larger and with increased momentum. There was even a song to accompany the practice. Ask your sister.

Periods Are Awesome:

No. No, they're not. It's weird and I would rather be infertile.

Benis Reports: The Great Queso Debate

Installment One: Chapultepec

Let us begin by saying that queso is an important aspect of our lives. Regardless of true quality and actual cheese content, you can't beat it. It has been said that queso is the crack of the cheese world. As Houston is home to many, many Mexican restaurants, the quest to find the best is nearly inexhaustable. So we decided to exhaust ourselves. As queso enthusiasts, we decided to lay down some criteria on which to base our judgement. The main concerns we are keeping in mind are viscocity, chunk-to-cheese ratio, and drip rate. In part one of The Great Queso Debate, we head to Chapultepec, mecca of late-night over-indulgence (one time, Reese Lopez puked in a fake potted plant there). Here are our findings:

Viscosity: Medium

Seemingly thinner than usual, but still thick enough to manage. Laura reports a past experience wherein she suspected it to be more diluted as the night went on. It should be noted that taste is in no way affected by this inconsistency.

Chunk-to-Cheese Ratio: Minimal Chunks

I, Katie, hate tomatoes. I was not offended by the lack of this most common found chunk. Laura doesn't hate tomatoes, but was fine with the omission nonetheless.

Drip Rate: High

This may be caused by the voracity with which we were crammin' it in (like wolves on a hot dog). The sole casualty: Katie's jeans.

In conclusion, excellent. But in all truth, Chapultepec has always served to set our standards.

A Lengthy Commencement Speech

Hello and welcome to the new and improved cyber-age Benis. After a long reprieve we are comin' back at you with a more mature and scholarly approach to nonsense. For those of you who don't already know us, we are Katie and Laura, the geniuses who birthed the orignial Benis Zine back in 2001. The crappily-stapled and photocopied days are over, although the original concept remains. In our heyday, we provided insightful social commentary, instructional articles of all varieties, blatant lies, and mild entertainment. We intend to continue these pursuits and more with our now-patented brand of vitriolic journalism, steeped in an unprecedented (for us) enthusiasm. Familiarize yourself with Benis, future media moguls, as we will one day rule everything around you.