Benis Reports: The Great Queso Debate

Installment Three: Taqueria La Tapatia

Located a mere half-block from my apartment, Tapatia boasts the most convenient queso to be had. It's open late, making it a frequent target for my drunk dials. It's no Aztecas; There's not much remarkable about this place, other than the fact that ordering is always apt to be confusing. It's the only place we've been where ordering a vegetarian burrito warrants the specification of "without meat". Also, we've witnessed fresh chips being transported through the restaurant via trash can. We hope the trash can is chip-exclusive. On to the queso!

Upon first observation the queso is extraordinarily orange. This will probably guarantee it tasting more cheesy.

Viscosity: Medium-Thick

Not too thick and not too thin. Not too much to say about that.

Chunk-to-Cheese Ratio: Very Minimal

I thought I saw a jalapeno, but it was just the spoon.

Drip Ratio: Relatively Low

Minimal drippage, but not without its perils.

Vagina Power: Alexyss K. Tylor

Alexyss K. Tylor has a lot to say- most of it NSFW. We don't know a lot about her other than the fact that most of her videos begin and end mid-rant. We'd like to know more, but are unwilling to purchase her CD book (Vagina Power My Life)- Wikipedia, please help!

Most of what this (apparently) renowned vlogger has to say is terrifying in its graphic nature and frequent use of the words pussy (ew!) and ass hole (two words- see fig. 1).

We at Benis hope Alexyss can gain further exposure as her in-your-face attitude and language rival top rappers in subversiveness.

Her bizarre message of "Vagina Power" beats the hell out of "Girl Power" any day. VP!!!

Benis Reports: The Great Queso Debate

Installment Two: Aztecas


It was the best of times that became the worst of times. We were under the impression that Aztecas was a normal restaurant. Our mistake cost us dearly. We knew something was off when we were charged $5 for mandatory valet parking only to be told we had to park our own car. Apparently there had been some sort of incident. The exchange was all very confusing and involved much turning off and on of the car, and much window-rolling up and down. We just wanted some queso, but upon entering we were informed that it was happy hour. Pitchers of margaritas were only $15; What a bargain! Did we mention it was karaoke night? All of this being said, the queso was awesome.

Viscosity: Thick
Really, really thick. After ten minutes it was like Jif peanut butter. Perfect for sufficiently coating your chip on the first try.

Chunk-to-Cheese Ratio: All cheese, no chunk!
Only cheese here, my friends. On the menu there was an option to add pico de gallo. We politely declined and were overjoyed with what we got- a bowl o' cheese.

Drip Ratio: Very minimal
As I exclaimed in the notes I began taking after three or so margaritas, "This shit snaps back!" Even with our drunken voracity, no drips occurred.

We returned to Benis HQ that night a little worse for wear, only we didn't know it yet. We don't know why it happened, but we ended up with three videos of ourselves couch-dancing. Despite our embarrassment, we want to offer our lesson learned as a public service announcement. There are many morals to this story- the most important of which is: Aztecas is a rowdy bar first and a restaurant as a distant second. No matter how full you feel after drinking a pitcher of margaritas, food is still needed.

Apologies All Around (Alliteration-Assonance, for that matter!)

Due to various crises and vacays, we here at Benis have found ourselves way behind our (imaginary) posting schedule. However, we've not forgotten you. To prove it, I present you with something adorable that happens to require minimal effort. My (Katie's) five-year-old second cousin, Max, is in a hip-hop tap class. He recently performed a recital and I am delivering the goods. Max is the very tiny one- second from the right. Keep your eyes peeled because he has an amazing mini-solo towards the end.

Now that we have temporarily sated your hunger for the written word (as well as the adorable YouTube video), I can tell you we've got incredible things in the works. We'll be back next week with incriminating video and witty

reparte.