Katie Learns How to Jerk

You've probably heard of the new trend in rap music; It's called jerking and I was enamored at first sight. It's a complicated dance that's usually accompanied by a song that announces that jerking is taking place. After hearing "You're a Jerk" by New Boyz, I decided to give myself a week to learn to jerk and to document my progress, day by day.

To give you some context, here's the music video for Audio Push's song "Teach Me How to Jerk". I was reluctant to post it because it will only serve to highlight my glaring incompetence, but I'd be doing you a cultural disservice by depriving you of proper jerking.

Thankfully for me, there is no shortage of how-to videos on YouTube.

Jerking is comprised of three parts; The Jerk, the Reject, and the Dip.

Jerking itself is the bit where you bend at the knee and waggle your legs

apart and together again. Rejecting is like a backwards Running-Man.

I never got the hang of Dipping, so I pretty much just skipped it.

When I started this project, I really didn't imagine myself incapable.

However, as it turns out, my heritage will not be disguised. With my

pasty visage and red hair, I possess the uncanny ability to make absolutely

anything look like Irish step-dancing. The result of my efforts is certainly

far from the worst Jerking video on the internet, but it's not good either.

Without further ado, I present my opus:

Sabrina the Teenage Witch: A Sartorial Review

Sabrina the Teenage Witch remains a perfect time capsule to the nineties. Most, if not all, correlations stem from the clothing and accessories of the characters. Here we will examine and critique the ensembles from just one episode of what we hope will be many to come.

Here we see Sabrina suffering from some most likely magical sunburn. She is clearly using the lei and the huge hat to detract from her lobster-like visage; And to be more modest in her come-hither bikini. The wig tells us she is perhaps incognito for some witchy reason. It could possibly be attached to the hat.

Salem the cat is a vision in powder blue and grey. His outfit takes us back to the eighties- a bold statement amongst his nineties counterparts. The look is that of a Wall Street broker with a nasty cocaine habit. Where did he get all that money? No doubt some witchy business is afoot.

WTF. Something witchy this way comes.

Harvey, usually quite dreamy, seems upset and disgusted in a nineties sort of way. That, or he's struggling to comprehend the solar system. Absent here is his usually ever-present cartilage earring, which is a shame. Maybe he just figured out it was on the gay side. His look, symbolizing typical teen angst, finds its origin in eighties high school dramas, but remains relevant in this nineties context.

Poor ol' Valerie seems to have collapsed, assuredly in front of a cute boy. Her burgundy high-waisted slacks match perfectly with her burgundy 3/4 sleeved top. Cap this off with her burgundy lipstick and you are on the nineties fashion train. For a nerd, Valerie appears here as the epitome of a well-put-together nineties fashionista.

Ha ha, eat cake, bitch!

Sex Myths As Made Up And Believed By Children

As ladies who were once elementary school girls, we at Benis know the power that Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret, Cosmo and generic romance novels can wield. We have decided to compile sex myths which we believed to be the gospel truth between the ages of eight and eleven.

The Penis-Size Formula:

Shoe size, divided by two, plus one equals inches o' penis. This was complicated math that had to be performed multiple times daily. An alternate method is measuring the distance between the thumb and the tip of the forefinger when the two are held in a right angle.

Small Hands Make For Big Boobs:

We don't know. This is what we heard from boys. However, we will say that this myth holds mysteriously true amongst our population of two.

Simple Exercises to "Increase Your Bust":

Yes, we thought for all the world that violently jerking our elbows back and forth would cause our breasts to grow larger and with increased momentum. There was even a song to accompany the practice. Ask your sister.

Periods Are Awesome:

No. No, they're not. It's weird and I would rather be infertile.

Benis Reports: The Great Queso Debate

Installment One: Chapultepec

Let us begin by saying that queso is an important aspect of our lives. Regardless of true quality and actual cheese content, you can't beat it. It has been said that queso is the crack of the cheese world. As Houston is home to many, many Mexican restaurants, the quest to find the best is nearly inexhaustable. So we decided to exhaust ourselves. As queso enthusiasts, we decided to lay down some criteria on which to base our judgement. The main concerns we are keeping in mind are viscocity, chunk-to-cheese ratio, and drip rate. In part one of The Great Queso Debate, we head to Chapultepec, mecca of late-night over-indulgence (one time, Reese Lopez puked in a fake potted plant there). Here are our findings:

Viscosity: Medium

Seemingly thinner than usual, but still thick enough to manage. Laura reports a past experience wherein she suspected it to be more diluted as the night went on. It should be noted that taste is in no way affected by this inconsistency.

Chunk-to-Cheese Ratio: Minimal Chunks

I, Katie, hate tomatoes. I was not offended by the lack of this most common found chunk. Laura doesn't hate tomatoes, but was fine with the omission nonetheless.

Drip Rate: High

This may be caused by the voracity with which we were crammin' it in (like wolves on a hot dog). The sole casualty: Katie's jeans.

In conclusion, excellent. But in all truth, Chapultepec has always served to set our standards.

A Lengthy Commencement Speech

Hello and welcome to the new and improved cyber-age Benis. After a long reprieve we are comin' back at you with a more mature and scholarly approach to nonsense. For those of you who don't already know us, we are Katie and Laura, the geniuses who birthed the orignial Benis Zine back in 2001. The crappily-stapled and photocopied days are over, although the original concept remains. In our heyday, we provided insightful social commentary, instructional articles of all varieties, blatant lies, and mild entertainment. We intend to continue these pursuits and more with our now-patented brand of vitriolic journalism, steeped in an unprecedented (for us) enthusiasm. Familiarize yourself with Benis, future media moguls, as we will one day rule everything around you.